Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Confessions of a cursed IITian: Part III

(Before Reading this please refer to part I and part II)
Now, let’s jump over to the year 2008, when I am in my final year. And merrily preparing for the biggest war of them all- the placement season. All of us were so excited about it. We bought the best business suits available in the entire world. We arranged all the certificates for things we had done in the last 4 years and for things we hadn’t even heard of. For the sweet and lovely placement season, we did everything we could. It was something that all of us had dreamt of every night for the last four years. But, I didn’t know that my curse would follow me even here.
Now, that it was clear to my bad luck that it was not possible to keep from being happy after the placement process, it fabricated the biggest conspiracy of all times. Something that I could never have imagined. You see it was my bad luck that caused the entire fucked up state of global economy. Just because it did not want me to get a good job. People all over the world, all the economists, all the socialists, everyone is trying to come up with the exact reason that caused recession. But, how can those poor innocent guys know that its me. The entire game is not in their control now. It is not in anybody’s control. You see, the only way of stopping me from getting the biggest happiness in life was to ruin the entire job market in the world. And an easy way to ruin the job market was to ruin all the businesses existing in the world. So, my luck somehow got into contact with all the other lucks. And told them about this plan. And as it seems, all the other lucks followed. And as it seems the plan was successful. Unfortunately, my luck was not able to figure out the wide impact that this can have. As a result, the entire group of people graduating at any part of the world in 2009 had to suffer.
So, u see this is how my jinx made a global impact. There is no doubt that I m cursed. I mean look how Mukesh Ambani net worth dropped after he thought employing me. Just a thought of being associated with me led to this huge loss for him. Likewise, any person who tried to get into any sort of association with me during these four years had to suffer a lot (My project partner knows what I m talking about). Though I never wanted any of this to happen, I’ve always felt deeply responsible for everything. My guilty conscience had been eating me up till now. But, now I think its time to confess. So today, I, Rishabh Goel, student of Electrical Engineering Deptt. B.Tech program, IIT Roorkee, take the sole responsibility of causing RECESSION.
Though painful at times, my four years at this place have been a real memorable one. IITR is a world totally different from a normal world full of people in their sane mind. This world is totally insane. At this place, Jimi Hendrix and some arbit gaming clan are the gods. Darth Vader and some other arbit gaming clan are the satans. A place where for every pathetic and hopeless situation there exists a mother to be fucked at the very precise moment. A place which prepares the boys to exist happily even at those places where the male-to-female ratio might reach somewhere close to infinity.
And, here I am sitting in front of my computer screen (like always) totally boozed out, not being sure of what I m writing, preparing to leave this wonderful place tomorrow and enter the real world. It seems like I would be leaving a part of me behind. Going away from all the guys who taught you the real meaning of friendship. Going away from the life where we have absolutely no care of the worldly desires. Going away from a place where every person is special in his/her own way. Going away from a place where u get all the happiness of your life in one joke. Going away from a place which has taught you so much, ranging from anything to everything. To a place where everyone is concerned with themselves yet always doing things for others. To a place which teaches you nothing more than taking undue advantage of others. To a place where there are no friends, only associates. To a place where happiness seems a distant dream. I wish I wud never have to go. But, I guess that everyone is tempted to commit the original sin and eat the fruit that would take you away from the eden gardens.
PS: I thought of writing a whole book about all this. But, I figured three things-
1. The story was missing that all important female character, that is needed to make a book successful.
2. It would be better for me if Big D doesn’t get to read this.
3. People are anyways bored of reading the same shit again and again.
The End...

Monday, May 25, 2009

Confessions of a Cursed IITian: Part II

(Before reading this, refer to Part I)
It was a sunny and pleasant day. The most crucial day of any IITRites life. It was the Bhawan Allotment Day. The day where all the losers are supposed to pickup other losers like them and form groups of 15, and apply to get into senior hostels, where u have to spend the rest of your life at IITR. I picked up the guys who seemed to be the least losers out of the whole lot. We gave the warden our Bhawan priority list, with the Bhawan closest to girl’s hostel, obviously, being on top. We all dressed nicely and assembled at the place where the draw was supposed to take place. We made the guy considered luckiest amongst us as our group representative. We were all about to die with curiosity when the warden came out with the results. The first group announced was ours. And the Bhawan allotted to us was the worst Bhawan in the campus. Not only was it the dirtiest, but it was also the farthest from the activity hub of the institute. Now, it all started rushing back to my mind. Everything, since the first day, that has happened to me was indicating towards only one thing – I am jinxed. Everything that I was a part of would fail. No matter how much I try, things would always go wrong that too in the worst possible way. Now, I was sure of the curse theory. But, now the curse was affecting not only me but my friends as well. It was I behind their state of misery. Though I never told them, but my conscience was eating me up. So, I decided to do everything possible and get us out of that creepy Bhawan. That was when I had my first tussle with the bureaucracy of IITR.
This is how the bureaucratic system works over at this place. There is a group of people who like to call themselves “The Faculty”. Now, this group consists of people who did absolutely nothing during their graduation. And they were screwed badly by their faculty. So, these people decided to take out their frustrations on the future generations. Somehow, they managed to get a doctorate and got into the teaching business without even knowing how to put 2 and 2 together. Besides, the teaching job, they also have another job - the job of making other’s life hell. Let me tell you, these guys are quite good at that job irrespective of their competence in the teaching job. They do it by not only teaching irrelevant stuff but also by failing the students for not studying that irrelevant stuff. So, if a student wants to pass, the only option left with him is to lick the respective prof’s scrotum sack after every class. And at the end of the semester the student who is found to be best at the job is awarded an A+ and the others get their grades according tot their relative expertness at the job. Now, “The Faculty” is being backed by a very powerful man, the Big D. Big D is actually a man chosen by The Faculty from amongst themselves and is bestowed with powers that even god doesn’t have. There’s only one major problem with this Big D character. That is, every sentence he says always starts with a B or M. Apparently, this guy was never taught the general manners of dealing with people. Now, Big D runs an entire organization consisting of other small Ds and Ps and Ws relating to different Administrative Departments and Bhawans. All these Subordinates of Big D acquire the habit of starting their sentences with a B or M. Their job is to make sure that students don’t get any type of comfort whatsoever during their stay at this place. Summarizing the entire thing, all our efforts of changing our Bhawan were in vain.
My “Bad Luck” did not just leave me there. As the administration was working in full force, we couldn’t get the rooms that were assigned to us in our new hostels as they were under construction. So, we were forced to put up at the fresher’s hostel. This was even worse. I knew all the way that all of this was because of me. I knew that all the other 15 guys had to go through all this because of me. But, I didn’t have the balls to tell any of them. As the time passed a lot of other events happened that left no doubt in my mind that I was cursed.
To be continued...

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Confessions of a cursed IITian: Part I

My entire life, I’ve believed that things go wrong because of the mistakes that humans do. But, some unknown force has always tried to prove me wrong. And, unfortunately, that force has been quite successful till now. Have u ever felt that some things are just not in our control? Have u ever felt that the cause behind some phenomenon might be a single person and not the entire system? Can a single human being have the power to influence the lives of every person living on this planet? Well, hold ur breath ladies and gentlemen, coz it’s the story of man who caused the phenomenon known as RECESSION.
The first day is still fresh in my memory. It seems like yesterday. 26th July 2005- The day I wrapped my lips around this mighty erection, called IIT, and sucked hard. Its so unbelievable, everyone seemed so happy. All the Relatives and Neighborhood aunties were behaving as if their own child was going to IIT. Not to forget, these were the same aunties who, a year earlier, used to taunt me, in every possible way, about me not concentrating on my studies. And when it was time for me to return the favor, they had all changed suddenly. Somehow, I never felt too good about it. You know, the way u feel, when u hit the ball for a six but it ends up being a four. And though everyone appreciates your shot, u r disappointed with urself. It was the same feeling for me. So, in between all this uncontrollable flow of emotions, I reached Roorkee- the last place where I expected to do my college from.
My first look at the hostel reminded me of all the jails that I had seen in the bollywood movies. As if that was not enough for the first day, I got a taste of the worst shit in the whole world, called administration, during the registration process. After all this was over, the worst nightmare was still to come – RAGGING. I went back to my childhood when I was told stories about the boogeyman. The seniors were the new boogeymen. The idea of being completely naked, in front of a whole group of people, feels different depending upon the gender of those people. Well, in this case the feeling was disgusting. Though I never had to go through the entire routine, I was disgusted to hell on just hearing the stories. While all this was going on, I also realized that I had got the worst room in the entire wing. Not only was it the closest to the loo, it was impossible to slip anything in from under the door. (Considering how important it is for an IITian to have this provision in his room, it was a really big disadvantage.) This was the first hint of things that were about to happen.
As a few months passed, I realized IITR is not that bad a place after all. I mean the guys, I met, were cool. And the life was awesome. Plus, the professors seemed to teach everything that I already knew. It seemed too easy to score in the exams. Except that at IITs, its not ur own score that determines ur grade. It’s the score of the entire class. And, for some unknown reason, all my batchmates showed their best academic performance at the same time when I, for once, had a desire to take the academic world by storm. To add to this, I always got the last number in the library lottery system and ended up with the worst books available. As if that was not enough, my sub-section had the worst possible time-table set up, with all the wrong classes at all the wrong timings with all the wrong professors. All this and some other small things (that I’ve omitted to make a long story short), made me realize that there was certainly something wrong with my luck. It was like a curse following me everywhere I went. This hypothesis of mine received the status of being a fact in the last month of my first year.
To be continued...